Stateside bro-odyssee

S’up motherfuckers, when you read this, I’ll already be halfway round the world, chilling in New York, getting crunk with my English charm and some Corona and lime, as my personal brand dictates. Because of this, I will be invariably having a better time than you, apart from maybe Tommie, who now has a washboard, something even New York, free time, money, and an accent that gets the girls round here wet automatically can’t compete with. You can even go traveling with it!

So anyways, while you’re all partying down with Tommies washboard and fiddling around with obsolete formats that as I write this are being meticulously shifted through to find some Captain Beefheart LP that some shut-in in London will pay top dollar for, what am I gonna do?

Well, at the beginning of every night, me and Nev are gonna be doing some serious pre-drinking, and getting our buzz on slamming some Jager and energy drinks before we go out, we shall be acheiving this vibe using a song described by me to Jack’s mum as “poppin'”, no other than Lil John’s “Let’s Go”:

Max out your Bass fool!

Now we’ll be feeling energised and confident, and edging to get out and represent the UK. However, to keep Nev placated, and balance out the crunk with some brutality, some death metal must also be slammed.

Hackneyed are a band of German teenagers who despite being younger than you (around 17-18?), can write some pretty decent simple death metal, with a lovely dark vibe, that will also be fueling our pre-drinking this holiday. I’m not sure what “weed flavoured meat” is about, but it sounds awesome, and that squeal in the chorus makes me all the more interested in whatever this “weed flavoured meat” is, and how to procure some.

So now all involved are feeling suitably tipsy, and we’re heating out on the town, maybe going to Brooklyn to track down some alternative bar. I will have started getting obnoxious, and Nev will have started getting violent, while a scened up neon Casey just wants some kind of beat to get low to. On the tube my Microsoft Zune® will come out and thanks to the wonder of headphone splitters, we’ll jam some Hollywood Undead, and try and fail to sing along. But doing some pretty convincing mumbling to fill in the gaps.

Wake up
Grab beer
Grab rear
Shave beard
Put on some scene gear
Gotta get drunk before my mom wakes up
Break-up with my girlfriend so I can bang sluts

This says it all…

Who knows what kind of bar, club, or whatever we end up at, and what kina music they play, or the clientelle, or any of those superficial factors. All we need is something to keep the vibe going, and with the compromise of being in a public place, hopefully some kind of decent pop music will be provided. Maybe a little Lady Gaga, Justin Bieber, that cool Katy Perry and Snoop Dogg song, but most of all I’m liking this Ke$ha song, kina better than Tik Tok, and still just as fun.

You wana have a slumber party in my basement?

Now who knows where it will go from here, or what kina music will be involved, if some kind of alt bar is involved I hope they play some Hatebreed, the ultimate in tough guy bro metal.

This will probably make nev punch someone, probably me.

Anyway assuming everything goes crunk and we eventually end back at the flat together, with that feeling of sweaty but really sleepy, but also at the same time kind of despirate to continue in some capacity. Probably hit up a KFC and get a double down or two. Then maybe just stay up and talk till 7, have some deep conversaitons and a “meaningful experience”, with whoever. Maybe just chill out and i-dose myself to sleep.

2 thoughts on “Stateside bro-odyssee

  1. Nice for spotting this digital drug. American media is stupid, this is like brown noise all over again. Completely overblown.

    And stop categorising things as Sexy Sexy German House!

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