Candy Teen Pussy Pleasers: A cultural primer of Pornogrind

I woke up this morning to the sound of my dog, Blue, also waking up, and click-clacking around upstairs on his paws. For some reason this caused my first thought to be “The Kraken Wakes…” (The title of both a poem and book) as I pictured my medium-sized dog plodding around upstairs, in his state of eternal nonplussitude. Then upon firing up my large black behemoth of a PC, I was pleasantly surprised with some sexted boobs in my inbox, and as at the time I was listening to “The Nympho is a G”, by GUT, I decided that today, my post would be about that genre close to all our hearts, Pornogrind. Another reason was that Mace told me off for not writing about music last week, and so my initial plans, of posting a chronological list of my favorite episodes of Friends, has been temporarily put on the back burner until further notice.

Pornogrind is essentially a fusion of 3 of my favorite things; Gore, Porn, and really heavy music. Unlike the majority of grind, it is relatively simple and slow, instead focusing on groove, with fast bits to provide a break from the slow bits, instead of vice versa. As well as this, intro samples from porn are almost ubiquitous, and can be quite funny, especially as an alternative to the usual Mortician esque 1 minute horror samples. The truth is that porn dialogue is a goldmine of hilarity a lot of the time, and by harnessing this, pornogrind can provide funny intros and still remain true to the “porn” standard. Oh yeah, and (surprise surprise), most of the leading bands are German. This can be quite a block if samples are taken from German porn, although not without amusement too, as a friend of mine found out. I quote:

“I obviously have no fucking idea what they’re saying if they’re not in English, although I did once ask the German lady I worked with to translate a Gut intro for me. I gave her my headphones, and she listened intently for a few seconds. Then she got pale and said something like, “He wants her to act like a pig??” and gave them back.”

As I’ve already mentioned them a few times, and they more or less invented the genre as we know it, I may as well begin with GUT, hailing from Germany, I am pretty sure that they are THE most creepy band on the planet, in both the rapey way and the charming way (the kind where if you leave them alone with a female friend there’s about a 50% chance they’ll get them in bed by the end of the night.)

As you can probably tell by the pic, their personal brand also contains a wigger element, which came to a head in their latest album “The Cumback”, which created a new genre! Wigger-Porno-Rap-Grind! Well, it’s not really grind anymore, but fuck knows what else this is!!

Following in the footsteps of GUT, but probably more successful, and definitely my favorite group of the genre, are Cock and Ball Torture (also German). They take the formula and make it even more lower and groovier, with some truly great songwriting that really plays to some great grooves! They also use a pitch shifter to achieve some truly next level gargly vocals, which I think you’ll agree sound fucking sick!

I remember being in Finland at this music festival a few years back and in our group there being this big fat dude with a ripped sleeveless CBT t-shirt. There was something wonderfully liberated and carefree about that guy, as he continuously drunk beer, sweated and in general gave no fucks, all while being fat and wearing a t-shirt that simply read “Cock and Ball Torture”, especially amusing when you consider how most people would have no idea that that’s the name of a band. I maintain that he achieved a strange level of cool by simply not caring about his appearance one iota.

CBT’s latest album is surprisingly well produced for such a lo-key genre, and for this sounds even heavier and more groovy, lending quite a punch!

Also, here is a rather amusing video of some people at a wedding with some mis-matched CBT overlayed…

I’m getting an eastern European vibe here…

Another band worth checking is Sperm Swap, seen here with a song about Bestiality. Kina reminds me of “School Girls and Dogs 4”, the cover of which I glimpst whilst in Amsterdam, an image I will no doubt take to the grave, forever melted into the back of my retinas.

Intro is equal parts funny and very fucking wrong

Also worth a poke is Torsofuck, who play more to the gore element, but still have a very porny vibe going for them. Fast for the genre, but this just makes it more awesome when they drop a groove.

I feel England’s own Amputated should also get a shout out, not just simply for being Pornogrind and English, and having a pretty sick album, but also for having been in my favorite reality TV show ever, “Singing with the Enemy”, in which they had to collaborate with a Girl band! The whole thing is an absolute lolfest of awesome quotes, and some great awkward moments. I’m pretty sure this is the most mainstream coverage of Pornogrind ever, and is exemplified perfectly when one of the band walks in with a box of DVDs labeled “Porn + Gore”.

It’s a shame Amputated were all Rapey creepy really. Pretty sure I could have a decent chance at effing one of the girls in the same situation. You can use the “alt” to your advantage and be “new and exiting” instead of just being really fucking creepy. It works for Gut!

Anyway, here’s the song from the program, “Gargling with Infected Semen”. It slams.

Indeed unbeknownst to many, we even have a talented young Pornogrind artist among us here at the Phonograph. Back a few years, Rowan was better known as Minced Prostate, and would make some pretty lolsweet compositions on his laptop and post to myspace. I remember sitting in with him on summer evenings, thinking up funny song names and playing with the horrific programmed guitars. As you now see, Pornogrind is everywhere: Your sons, brothers, husbands and boyfriends!

Anyway, to close on topic, and prove my point about porn dialogue being hilarious, here is a compilation of clips from Pirates XXX, the second highest budget porn film ever, after its own sequel. It’s all courtesy of Evan Stone, incidentally my favorite male performer, who’s awesome awesome overacting, especially next to the wooden, dead eyed, empty inside delivery of all his cast mates is one of the most semi-intentionally funny things I’ve ever seen.

“Evil doesn’t stand a chance against these twin hellfire cyyyyyanons!”

As well as his hilarious face and pronunciation of “Pirates!”, the best thing about his performance is the ability to put a “y” in any word. “Pyarates”, “Cyock”, “Cyanons”, “Oh my gyod!”.

Advertisements

2 thoughts on “Candy Teen Pussy Pleasers: A cultural primer of Pornogrind

  1. Can’t believe i missed the ‘PORN & GORE’ box first time around! What a show, though i always found that producer slightly annoying..

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s